As owner of The Wood Whisperer, Inc. and with a last name like Spagnuolo, I am no stranger to silly/unusual names. But after years of using, talking, and writing about woodworking products, I have noticed more than a few product names that I constantly stumble over. Sometimes I can’t remember how to spell the name or I just don’t know how to pronounce it properly. And unfortunately, all too often, the name tells you nothing about what the product does making it even more difficult to remember.
So what follows are three product names (or families of names) that I love to hate. And although I have this little pet peeve about their names, I happen to adore the products themselves. Part of my discontent with the names comes from the fact that I talk about and promote them so much. So this is by no means meant to reflect negatively on these companies or their products. I’m just having a bit of fun today. I kid because I care!
The GRR-Ripper
After the recent Safety Week Video, many of you are well aware of how handy this tablesaw safety device is. Its pronounced “gripper” but I think someone at MicroJig forgot to take their finger off the R button when naming this bad boy.
Thankfully, the name accurately reflects what the product does, but I still get hung up on the number of R’s, how many of them are capitalized, and where the dash goes. I also can’t help but think of Tony the Tiger: “They’re GRR-REAT!”
Arm-R-Seal and Seal-A-Cell
General Finishes makes some of the highest quality dyes, stains, and clear finishes on the market. But they would sure make my life easier if they simplified the names of some of their most popular products. Specifically, I’m talking about Arm-R-Seal and Seal-A-Cell. In fact, I just had to use copy/paste to write that because I hate having to type it out! As you can see already, I am not a fan of names with dashes in them. And in this case, the two names are so similar that many woodworkers can’t remember the differences between them. Fortunately, one can is green and the other is red, so that helps us tell them apart. Some alternative suggestions: how about AwesomeVarnishSauce and RealDealSeal? OK I won’t quit my day job.
Festool Abrasives
I have been infatuated with Festool’s products since I first saw them in action years ago. The German engineering boggles my mind and I applaud their innovation on all fronts. But what’s the deal with the abrasive names?! Here’s the lineup: Rubin, Cristal, Platin, Brilliant, Saphir, Viles, Titan, and Granat. Each type is engineered for a specific task whether its wood sanding, finish sanding, finish removal, or sanding of solid surface and composites. A quick email with Festool’s Rick Bush provided me with some logic involving gem stones, minerals and some such. But its pretty clear that someone on the German Mother Ship likes shiny things and funny names.
There’s an abrasive for every occasion. But I’ll be darned if I can figure out which one does what! Well, that’s not entirely true. I use Festool abrasives exclusively so I do have several of them memorized. But you can see how the names don’t really help you very much when figuring out what they do. For that, you’ll need this handy and easy to read chart.
What is this, Starbucks?!?! Sometimes I just want a large coffee people!! That must be why I’m a Dunkin’ Donuts man myself.
Truthfully, these companies could change their product names to unpronounceable symbols and I’d still buy them. A good product is a good product and even a bad name doesn’t seem to get in the way of their success. For that I’m thankful. But in the mean time, we can still poke a little fun at them.
So what woodworking product names make you laugh, cringe, or just scratch your head? I know they are out there!
ooo man!! there was this tool, looked like nippers you might find on a Farrier’s tool pile, but the advertisement called it a “nail outener” for “outening” nails I suppose, whatever that is.
My Dad had this tool that had a head like pliers, with a hammer head on one side of pliers, and a hatchet head on the other side, one arm of the handle had a flat head screwdriver and I can’t remember what the other one had, probably a Philips head. Pliers end also could cut wire and such. Got no idea what it was called.
Good points all, Marc, and bravely written. Have you had any feedback from these companies? After all their labeling, they were probably a bit disconcerted and throwing up their hands at the chore of re-naming things!
haha no feedback. But I hope they know this was all in good fun. I picked on some of my favorite brands. :)
I have a large number of sanding discs that an Italian company sent me as a sample hoping I would supply them.
Sadly the name was a tad prohibitive….
Durex!
Something for the weekend sir?…..
Someone said “A rose by any other name is still a rose”, but he didn’t mention the variety. Same goes with products. At least they put them in different colored cans or boxes, give out guides.
If you were to go to a drug store and look for something, chances are you will find 3 different products or sizes that look identical, except for some small difference on a label, and you have to look very hard for that.
At least the above offer some kind of differentiations, whether we can decipher them or not.
How about Hock blades? They cost so much that is what you must do to afford them!
This article is hilarious! I also think of Frosted Flakes when I use a GRR-Ripper.
A few that come to mind:
Gorilla Glue (I seldom need to repair apes)
Peachtree (Is everything in Georgia named Peachtree?)
Mohawk Finishing (for glue?)
And then there’s Leigh Nielsen or is it Lee Nelson. And don’t get Leigh Jigs and Leigh Nielson and Lee Valley mixed up. And I just found out Liegh-Nielsen has a hyphen in it.
Behlen Solar-Lux and Hydrocote Resisthane. The latter is so difficult to spell that the company misspelled its own product on the website http://hydrocote.com/our-products.htm
as ‘Resithane’ and they misspelled the company name on the website title bar. So I guess it’s ok if I misspell it too.
I’m dealing with this now as I try and think of a name for my future company. I want to sell my pieces that I make to help cover the cost of my hobby and so I want to get a good name that sounds good and people can remember.
the funny thing about this is that the three names I’ve wanted to use are all taken, by various other producers. And one of those names was used by my parents for ten years, but since they folded their craft business, someone else started using and registering the name.
As far as names go, one I have to chuckle about, for those who remember them, is the TRS-80 series of computers. This stood for The Radio Shack brand, and I believe it was series 80. (it also was used in the 80s, so it could simply have been the year they released the first one.)
I have struggled over the pronunciation of many of the company names, and given up on the spelling. And I can’t go around saying “awesome sauce” for finishes, because I’ll get confused between the three I like right now…
While I’m only really starting to find my way into woodworking in any serious capacity, sometimes, the names are crazy. How is someone new to the game supposed to find their way. It’s hard enough that I’m learning a whole new language just to order wood, but when there’s no simple way to buy the products I need after the wood, it can be mind boggling.
Fat too often I look at products, and walk away laughing, thinking there’s no way I could take that home and not have the wife and kids laugh at me for having bought something with such a crazy name.
What about the IKEA Fartfull Workbench, from 2005 ? LOL :-)
(I think it means speedy in Swedish)
My Dunkin Donuts always has spoiled milk for coffee. Gotta smell it before you drink it. I do laugh at Steel City Toolworks with all their granite tables on tools. Rockler should be selling the stones instead of cookies. On a different note, what do timber wolves have to do with bandsaw blades?
“As owner of The Wood Whisperer, Inc. and with a last name like Spagnuolo”……. People in glass houses, my friend……glass houses….
Seriously though, great article/rant. Sounds a little like something Andy Rooney might have on 60 minutes……”and what’s with this ‘Freud’? Do they have issues with their mothers?”
Ask anyone who’s not familiar with Festool to match the following products with their names:
cordless drill TS
mortiser / joiner OF
jigsaw Rotex
compound miter saw CT
track saw PS
router Domino
shop vac T
sander Kapex
Love TransTint dyes but something about the name just bothers me.
Weird names for abrasives goes back pretty far. The we’re most familiar with is Carborundum. That’s also made-up name, for something as simple as silicon carbide.
On the other hand, pretty much all of the Festool abrasives are just German, some making sense as abrasives, some not.
Brilliant, Ruby, Crystal, Saphire, Fleece, Platinum, Titanium
Haha Marc I know what you mean about Arm-R-Seal. When I first started watching your videos and you recommended the finish, I was looking online for Armor Seal with no luck
I work for a company, whose name has absolutely nothing to do with what we do, but at the same time is unusual enough to make people remember. Don’t get me started on our logo, it just makes no sense. I really don’t know what they were thinking.
I remember when I first found this website. At first I simply clicked a link in the search results. Then I started typing it into the URL line. That took a couple of tries to not only spell ‘whisper’ correctly, but then to add an agentive ending. Fortunately, my browser remembers it for me now and all I have to type is ‘the’ and I’m there.
But don’t worry, Marc. I work in the website business and I can tell you with out a doubt that your domain name is easy, concise, and to the point compared to a large number of other domains out there.
I always had to wonder as well about how companies and products get named,
Harbor Freight makes me think of something that “fell” off the back of the ship so to speak.
In Canada we have Princess Auto (our version of Harbour (spelled correctly, lol ) Freight). Named after the street in Winnipeg that the company was located on when it opened.
With having a Finnish (not to be mistaken with the stuff used on wood) last name I am used to having it mangled by people trying to figure out how to say it. I did have a teacher in school who’s name was Chester Field, we called him Chuck. I won’t get into the insane names some people name their poor kids.
What a about the store name Rockler? Sounds like a teeny bopper rock group name. Bostitch sounds like it should be a sewing machine company not an air compressor and air tools company.
The Wa-ud Whisp-R-ar?? Nah. Lol and now, everyone that read this article will walk through the aisles of their local hardware store reading off product names aloud and laughing to themselves.
Hi Marc
Brand names can be tricky alright, especially when you try to sell your product in another country with a different language.
Irish Mist is a brown Whiskey Liqueur produced in Ireland
Unfortunately for them, the problem arose when they tried to market it in Germany. Mist in German means something entirely different, basically, it means urine or poo.
Bet they wished they thought that one through :-) LOL
“…one can is green and the other is red, so that helps us tell them apart.” Ummm… Unless you’re red-green colorblind… like me :(
My brother kept a folder of address labels of all the ways people mangled our last name, so I can sympathize with you, Mark… er, I mean Marc. On the other hand, we have it easy compared to a guy I used to work with – Michael Hunt.
I think of some names in dictionary terms: Festool = D*%n good expensive tool; DeWalt = D*%n good tool, Craftsman = D*%n good warranty tool, Harbor Freight = D*%n orange tool, Tool Shop(local brand) = D*%ned tool. Some names are just associated with quality no matter what the product.
I’m sure some people get paid well for coming up with these kind of names, so with out these crazy product names and slogans, people would be out of work and we would be stuck with simple names like “dark stain”, “red stain”. Oh how life would be dull with names like these.
I’m definitely w you on the Festool sandpaper. I also rely on some hint in the name to help me remember what something is/does.
Fortunately the chart helped me figure out what I needed when I bought my sander.
Festool, puleaze change the naming scheme!!
I am still confused by cabinet scraper. It can be used for other things so why the word cabinet ? Just call it a scraper plane ?
Just when you thought the Festool sandpaper names weren’t absurd enough…
“Viles” from the article is actually “Vlies”.
V-L-I-E-S.
Seriously.
On a related note, if you have more of that specific paper than anyone else in the world, does that make you “Lord of the Vlies”?
Vlies is the german word for Fleece.
Powermatic sounds like the Mercedes’ allwheeldrive system (4matic).
Silbergleit is german for SilverGlide, but in german it does not make any sense either ;)
In my opinion the worst and funniest tool name is far better than just numbers – or would you know the Makita 9404? ;)
I would buy AwesomeVarnishSauce. Marc, idea for “A Simple Varnish Finish” followup/addendum/second edition/II/deux – Deluxe edition complete with a can of AwesomeVarnishSauce (packaged in a glass jar shaped like bbq sauce of course!)
I’m just glad you didn’t end up as “The Marc’alicious Workshop” as that seems to be the craze right now with names:) Also bench cookies and biscuits just make me hungry.
It isn’t easy to pick a good name. Somewhere there must be someone named Dewalt , Porter Cable or Klingspor. My favorite name is Woodjoy, I keep calling them Lovejoy, but the name brings a smile to my face.
I too have wondered where product and business names came from. Some of them are based on someone’s name, others show creativity in their lack of creativity. Something like Formula 409 and WD-40, wich refers to the formulation number that made it to market, but otherwise is a bit meaningless to the consumer.
Keep in mind that many products that show an apparent lack of creativity in their name came from prior military or other governmental use. Not much creativity needed or wanted for military names of products… :)
WD = water dispersant ;)
While on names
Silbergleit (name makes sense in translation, but a right pain to say in an English conversation)
Biesemeyer fences
I’m sure there is many, many more, but I’ll only remember them, and this article the next time I see and/or use them!
I am a total Festool fan and user but I have been seeing a lot of press on Mirka.. After some research I have I am convinced that Festool abrasives names are no problem. At Mirka the have the following lineup. Get ready LOL.
There’s Gold
Carat
Polstar
Hiolot
Q-Silver
Q-Silver Micro
Royal
Royal Course Cut
Silver
Waterproof.
And if that’s not enough there’s also Abranet, Abranet Soft and Abralon.
I’m a fan of the water based wood filler, Wunderfil. Just don’t confuse it with the dental product, Wonderfill. Totally different.
Marc, I totally agree with you. I hate names that make it difficult to find a product, place or a website. Thank you for keeping it real.
I like it simple, just like The Wood Whisperererrerer……. Oh! Nevermind!! ;)
Thanks for the Festool chart. I just invested a bunch of money on 80, 120-150-180 for my ETS 150/3, and it was “Rubin”, when I should have gotten “Cristal” as I was stripping finishes. Oh well, next time I suppose.
I always thought that ‘Powermatic’ sounded like something that Ron Popeil should be hawking in an infomercial.
“It rips wood, it cross-cuts wood, it dadoes wood…its the Powermatic!”
Marc, this article was grrr-eat!!!
I often wonder why people name their companies names that have nothing to do with anything in their business. I am going to run my father’s HVAC/r business in a few years. I planned on using the slogan “Licensed to Chill” because it’s a refrigeration business. A little humor never hurt anyone :D
Hey, if “unpronounceable symbol” worked for Prince, why not? “This table saw cut looks a bit dangerous, better use the unpronounceable symbol formerly known as GRR-Ripper”… love it….
akempucky always makes me laugh, one wonders how they came up with that name
While I’m also a huge fan of their Cadillac-quality tools (or, perhaps, I should say Mercedes, except they’re not particularly known for their quality), the one name that always gets me is Festool itself.
I know it comes from “Festo” and “Tool,” but someone in Germany apparently wasn’t thinking very globally when they combined the two, resulting in something that sounds like it might be somewhat offensive to the olfactory senses.
On the lighter side, sometimes a Freud router bit is just a router bit :)